mother's day ramblings

when i look at finn, usually i feel like we are in our own little world. i feel like we are buddies who have our own little language. i feel like we are kindred spirits who like doing the same things; walking, grocery shopping, relaxing, dining, going on drives, being outside.

i can't imagine any baby but him. and i am just so glad he is who he is.

oftentimes, i am perplexed with the miracle of it all....the coincidences and circumstances and chance that went into bringing him to us. it boggles my mind. how did the universe know how much we needed this baby. this boy. this finn...?

finn has brought so much more to our little house than laughter and love...it was as if he arrived as this wrinkly little bundle carrying the biggest suitcase. a suitcase full of lessons and perspective and wisdom to be learned in time. becoming a mother has made me reevaluate everything. and just like everyone says, it has made me want to be true and better. he has reminded me that i have so much yet to learn, and figure out.

how does a little, tiny baby bring with him an unimaginable love, along with all that?

in this period of my life, i find that there are golden days where everything is easy and peachy and dreamy. and then there are days when i have no perspective. and i feel like i will never be true or better. there are days when i feel like i am running around in circles wearing ill-fitting clothes with dirty hair amongst smashed peas on the floor, and an unhappy baby to boot. there are days when i feel like i have failed all my lessons and that i will never find my groove, let alone "wisdom" ...but each day, no matter the chaos or my mood, there are always moments where i am simply struck speechless. moments where a wash of white seems to slowly appear and i find myself enveloped in the purest of loves. like when finn and i share a giggle, a smile, a secret, a cuddle, or a good book. or when finn looks at me like i am the kindest, loveliest and funniest person to ever grace this planet.  or when finn and i sit on a blanket at the park, peacefully observing, for what seems like an hours. or when daddy walks in the door and finn shakes with excitement, and he glances back and forth between ryan and i as if he can't believe that he gets both of us.

those moments are my treasures.  those moments i live for.

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on this mother's day, my very first mother's day, to my ryan: you have already given me the most amazing gift. our sweet boy. i am so grateful that he is just like you.

and to the one who made me a mother, my little finn:  we won't always share slobbery kisses on the lips and you won't always tell me your secrets, but no matter our age, i hope that we always find things to laugh about together. i hope we often enjoy a good walk together. i hope we embark on many sunday drives together. i hope we sit down to countless dinners around the table together. i hope we are always planning our next adventure to the beach. and i hope that even when you are tall and grown, once in awhile, you will look at me like you do now.

but mostly, i hope that in my life i can give you even just half of what you have already given me. 

i love you finnie.